Hash #266 – The Stranger Danger Hash
It’s your lucky day you f*cktards!!!! Ditch Bitch has agreed to let me help write part of the hash-trash. What can I say, I miss my old mismanagement role sometimes. That and I’m extremely obnoxious and thoroughly enjoy annoying you with my endless whines and rants. So what did you miss if you weren’t at this hash? Tits. Nuff said.
I should end my write-up there but you know me, never one to shut the f*ck up, so I’ll keep going. Stranger’s trail led us through the wooded area of Arroyo Grande, starting with a YBF right off the bat. We traversed through the dark, dusty trails and immediately discovered his signature podium boob-check. X-Rated, who is never one to be shy showing off her ta-ta’s, climbed atop the bike ramp podium and gleefully showed her glory to the crowd. Woo hoo! Boobs in less than 3 minutes of running; the lesbians rejoiced! Once her shirt was down she turned and fell off said podium, crashing to the filthy ground. Think this was God’s way of punishing her for her sins? Highly suspicious. Anywho, onward we ran where we were greeted with an awesome surprise deep in the jungle of Arroyo Grande: jello shots! My fav! If anyone ever wants me to get ridiculously sloppy drunk where I inevitably get naked, say inappropriate things, get kicked out of bars, take random rides home from strangers then throw up all over my living room while my significant other looks on in disgust (is this why we’re not together anymore?), then just give me jello shots (and flashback to the Santa Margarita hash from a couple of years ago)! Having a BN within the first half mile of a hash is always a delightful treat. But then something changed. It seemed as though we just ran and ran and f*cking ran with no more beer in sight! Another YBF and more hills and finally we were hopping fences and standing on bum’s beds (literally) down a shit-ridden field to a creek or lake or urine-infested cesspool. Our turkeys and hares eagerly greeted us with an inflatable pirate ship full of – you guessed it – beer! Python’s pooch, P.O.S., ruined the moment with his stench from the bum’s cesspool, and I’m not sure who took it upon themselves to swim for this beer, but whoever you are, thank you! And also, check yourself for diseases. And then call me.
From there we fled the homeless folks and continued our run to another bum-dwelling, a bridge! We sat in the poison oak and sipped on sweet nectar known as PBR and realized that we’d been running for almost 5 miles… are we f*cking done yet??? We all know Stranger doesn’t last THAT long, jesus.
Finally we were back at the A and greeted with more beers, boobs and backsliders. As a bonafide backslider, I can say that I hardly knew anyone there but I’m sure everyone loved meeting the annoying, loud mouth from the emails. No, no, no, Beaver didn’t show up (ahem! You lied to us, Beav!), I was talking about myself. Ditch Bitch was front and center with her camera for the virgins (tits across the board – hell yes!) and we welcome Just Nicole as Sand Bags and Just Brandon as Snap Crackle Cock. It was his 13th hash. If you ask me, we named him far too early.
I look forward to my triumphant return to another hash one day where I can continue my streak of high-pitched cuss words and self-righteousness. To Stranger and his virgin co-hare, good job, you never disappoint. People left wet, itchy and out of breath… and if that doesn’t scream hash then I don’t know what does.
On – see you next year! – On,
Greasy Lei/Oily Fuck
PS my boss asked me about this running group this morning and he said “We could donate beer to this group, it would be great marketing to our community!” FML.