Hash #224 – Proper Dildo Hash
As my final act as Grand Mattress, I took the liberty of writing an extended version of last week’s hash:
Proper Dildo Hash:
We were instructed to gather at Santa Rosa park and to “cum dressed as our favorite ICGYO memory.” Most of the hashers cleverly dressed in their running clothes as their favorite memory obviously had to do with hashing. It’s not that they were lazy f*#ks or that the theme was absurd. A few of the more aggressive hashers, came dressed to the T, with Rubbers and Lord Mangina in matching ghetto fabulous turquoise t-shirts displaying white tigers, which they had purchased on a previous ecstacy ridden trip to the CVS in downtown Vegas. 5-way who severely injured her wrist attempting a 6-way, was also decked out in rugby gear and ready to “scrum.” Sprinkle came dressed in his best suit that I’m sure will see the courtroom several times when all the children come forward and disclose what actually happens in “detention.”
The crowd was gathered around the beer cooler reminiscing about friendly truckers who, in hash past, told them to get hell out of that parking lot. When out of a truck so big and so blue, it looked like the sky, something caught their eye – was it a bird? A plane? No! It was I Can Get You Off dressed as the Ambiguously Gay Uno, Ace&Gary! And what was the source of her powers and awesomeness – a plunger? A double-sided dildo? A fucking 20 pound hubcap? Yes – that’s right, the Hashit!
ICGYO and the hounds were ready to track the vicious hares and rescue the princess, Pabst Blue Ribbon. The hares, Dildo and F Me Proper, maniacally appeared, slightly disheveled after just having banged, ready to lead us on a wild goose chase. Proper was built for speed in her corduroy pants, sketcher shoes and necklace. They took off at such a pace that we were sure we could down another 3-4 beers before they left the park. There would have even been enough time for Chi to find a shirt and put it on, but he wanted to let his chesticles run wild.
After drinking all of the bottled beer, the hounds took off on their adventure. We were sufficiently buzzed enough to go a full mile before rescuing the PBR and Coors Light. Fortunately, we only had to go a ½ mile before we found ourselves at the trunk of Dildo’s car (like so many dead hookers) for our first beer stop. Proper was hanging out at her normal Thursday night spot, the backseat, handing out beers to our thirsty hashers. Then came an interesting and exceptionally awkward twist, ICGYO literally ran into a client, on her virgin journey with the hash. Personal note: People do not typically want to see their lawyer whom they pay large sums of money to represent them, dressed in a gay super hero costume, drunk and running around with a double sided dildo. Good thing I’m leaving town!
We then proceeded on our circular journey headed back to Santa Rosa park, but right before we got to the back entrance (that’s right, I went there) we found a true trail that led us to Dildo’s bachelor pad for our second beer stop. Flip cup was played and Cock Block & Roll showed off her deep throat skills by chugging full beers during the game.
Off again to the next stop! Every time we hit a minor hill on this leg of the journey, Greasy Lei would let out a whine – I’m sorry are you carrying a 30lb backpack!!!! Some guy with a fedora managed to run ahead of the pack and figure out all checks, making the run a bit easier. We finally made it to the CalPoly parking garage, where we were rewarded with more beer and whiskey!
On our way back to the A, we came across the second boob check. Not surprisingly, Stubby and Stranger hung out behind a dumpster and waited for the harriettes to ensure compliance. Dirty Girl and Fuckin Strange didn’t disappoint – at least I think it was them, I wasn’t really looking at their faces.
Circled occurred and this is where it gets hazy. As part of my farewell hash, I got called out and Sprinkle began reciting the story of the time I decided to pour beer over Clock Block & Roll at the Shitty Kitty. What?!? She asked if I could get her wet. I took the more literal and less STD approach to that question. I then got 4-5 beers spilled over my head before I was ordered to sit on a bag of ice. This position offered a less than spectacular view of the virgin line up; although I’m pretty sure Just Symphony (that’s a stripper name if I ever heard one) offered an eyeful to our drunken circle.
Finally, it was time to give up the Hashit. A few people were called out, but nobody could resist the opportunity to give it to Less Beer More Men. I think we all remember what she was able to do at the top of that pyramid and are interested in seeing how she “handles” the double sided dildo.
On a final note, I wanted to thank all of you for being a part of this amazing group of people. Whether it was barely surviving raging rapids and bad dope trips, slapping asses, wading through tunnels filled with batshit and homeless people, or just grabbing a beer before a run, my time in SLO would not have been nearly as fun without you. You each have a place to crash in Vegas, and within a few months my job should help me find the best hookers and drug dealers in the city. Best of luck.
I Can Get You Off
Your Former Grand Mattress