Hash #220 – Tits and Beers and Marathons…oh my!! Hash
SLO H3 hashers all gathered in Oceano for the Tits and Beers and Marathons aka Cinco de Mayo hash! yes you read that correctly – we gathered in flippin Oceano! The hashers were abundant, however, as we were promised tequila! We drew quite the stares as the local residents/immigrants watched fair skinned wankers clad in sombreros, ponchos, lucha libre masks (and thumb masks) pile into the back of La Tapatia to pay $13.50 for six packs of Pacifico. Greasy Lei was rightly corrected from the owner that this place was a restaurant NOT a bar when she questioned why the price of Pacifico was so high across the border. Anywho, we all put our crap into the creeper van and then it was on-on! as we all took off after Python and Funkyballsoftitsfromouterspace who we’re sure had pre-laid the trail and were in the back of La Tapatia doing shots.
Running down dirt roads the locals shot us inquisitive looks wondering why a group of people were running if not being chased by border patrol. We quickly made it to the first beer stop where a body of water separated the hashers from our libations. Burning Rubbers pulled down her (not her pants) her lucha libre mask and bravely crossed the pool of water that may or may not have been sewage to bring back our beverages. Our heroine! We aggressively ripped open the bag, eager to quench our thirst from the Mexican heat with delicious tequila only to be disappointed. No tequila!! Damn you hares!
We took off again after downing a few Coronas. We thought we were seeing double or triple as we encountered check after check after check! WTF?! And to make matters worse one of the pretentious virgins (Just Bobby) thought he could order us veteran hashers around by telling us to go check! Do it yourself you lazy ass bastard! We somehow survived the killer geese who nipped at our heels through the park and barely escaped the ferocious K9 dog who was growling at us through the van to make it to our second beer stop, buried deep in the woods. We thought Dildo Baggins had to be lurking somewhere in the shadows given this seemed like his humble abode, but he was too busy fornicating elsewhere with Fuck Me Proper. We couldn’t wait to get our hands on our promised tequila at this beer stop!! We tore through the bag looking for it only to be disappointed once again!! No effing tequila! Aye Carumba!
As we gringos and gringas downed some more Corona and PBR (only the finest of Mexican cerveza) we took off again desperate for our promised tequila. At some point a mysterious boob check appeared in the middle of the road with Sprinkle Princess creepily standing on the side of the road… coincidence? We think not. We finally arrived at our destination, which at first appeared to be a very romantic ending to our hash with the ocean and sunset in the background, except for the fact that freaking Justin Bieber’s face was staring at us on a multi-colored pinata.
Greasy Lei was the first batter up with the piñata and she was pissed given that she had been deprived of tequila the entire hash! But no luck breaking Beiber’s face. Next up was Lord Mangina who was distraught over his experience with a squirter the week before and was too traumatized to put a dent in the pinata. Good thing X-Rated Butt Pirate was there who obviously was either sexually frustrated or extremely thirsty (probably both) and smashed the shit out of that Beiber pinata! Finally our tequila poured out of the pinata! ¡Que Bueno! Us hashers eagerly gathered up the mini bottles of tequila and whisky, mostly to drown out the vision of Justin Beiber’s face. Craziness ensued pretty much at this point. Cock Block and Roll was drinking for two as Burning Rubbers was having a sobriety hash. Dirty Girl lived up to her name and fell into mud pile on the way to the bathroom. We saw one virgin’s ass who we didn’t want to see and unfortunately not one virgin flashed their tits despite Dirty Girl yelling repeatedly. Matzo tried to give Lady Red Rocket all the credit for the beer stop at the marathon, which we put a stop to. And the rest is pretty much a blur as we all continued drinking in the dark waiting to be taken back to the A point. All in all it was a very successful hash!