This swash-buckling tale follows the quest of Captain Jack Sparrow, a savvy pirate, and Will Turner, a resourceful blacksmith, as they search for Elizabeth Swann…..wait a second that’s not how it went…. well, I think we can all agree that Burning Rubbers looked way hotter than Johnny Depp in her pirate get-up anyway We all gathered for the Burning Butt Pirate Hash at Laguna Lake Park. Many “aaaarrrrgghhh mateys” were heard as wankers gathered clad in eyepatches and pirate gear. Although Lady Red Rocket was nowhere to be found, the exciting beer koozies that he procured were! The shitty beer that OHD purchased tasted so much better out of the awesome koozie! After Sprinkle Princess molested the virgins in his “how to hash” talk, Burning Rubbers took the stage with a loud “Avast Ye”, explaining something about maps and buried treasure to which no one paid attention to.

We took off after our sexy pirate hares through fields, forestry, and loads of poison oak. Thorns tore at our ankles and we hurdled over logs and possum skeletons. Just when we wondered if we would make it out of this forest alive, we finally reached out first beer stop! Unfortunately, one of our hashers wasn’t so lucky with the thorn clad bushes as he profusely bled from the leg and face. Thank god OHD was there who didn’t even think twice before ripping the sleeve off of her shirt to make a tourniquet for this suffering wanker. OHD to the rescue!

That got old fast so we continued on down a dirt path and almost down into a shady ass creek area until All Aboard realized that he had unmistakenly called an “on on!” and we had to back track. You’re lucky you didn’t get called into the circle for that one wanker! The car salesman knew they didn’t have a sale with us pirate wankers as we tore threw their dealership in search of our buried treasure. We finally reached our second beer stop after almost getting hit by passing cars on the 101.

At our third beer stop things got a little out of hand… perhaps due to excessive grog. I Can Get You Off dared More Men Less Beer to climb the pyramid at the cemetery then chickened out. More Men, the hard ass that she is, proceeded to climb that mother and mount it like no other! Shiver me Timbers!! Even the dog was inspired and tried to climb it with no avail.

It was on-on to the end of the hash where Sprinkle Princess proceeded to lead yet another disorganized circle. Can you try to keep us wankers under control for once?! Geez! X-Rated Butt Pirate was alone in the circle as Burning Rubbers abandoned her to drink alone for her shitty hash. The virgins were plentiful and I think we all learned what we’ve been dying to know… how to get a freaking squirrel out of a tree!! Thank you Just Melinda for teaching us that!! Can you cum show us again?? Fuckin Strange got called into the circle and proceeded to show us the proper way to do a fla-bongo and I’m sure I heard Stranger mention something about making us a new song book after many a new song was heard that night from travelling hashers. A great hash was had, although I’m still searching that that damn buried treasure.

- Silence of the Clams

If anyone is interested in where you ran (or what
you missed out on… pirate maps, skeletons, grog (regular and diet),
etc)… Here’s the map:

Google Map

Enjoy!
- Rubbers and X-RBP

]]> http://sloh3.com/2012/05/10/hash-221-the-burning-butt-pirate-hash/feed/ 0 http://sloh3.com/2012/04/26/hash-220-tits-and-beers-and-marathons-oh-my-hash/ http://sloh3.com/2012/04/26/hash-220-tits-and-beers-and-marathons-oh-my-hash/#comments Thu, 26 Apr 2012 16:43:59 +0000 sloh3 http://sloh3.com/?p=1307 SLO H3 hashers all gathered in Oceano for the Tits and Beers and Marathons aka Cinco de Mayo hash! yes you read that correctly – we gathered in flippin Oceano! The hashers were abundant, however, as we were promised tequila! We drew quite the stares as the local residents/immigrants watched fair skinned wankers clad in sombreros, ponchos, lucha libre masks (and thumb masks) pile into the back of La Tapatia to pay $13.50 for six packs of Pacifico. Greasy Lei was rightly corrected from the owner that this place was a restaurant NOT a bar when she questioned why the price of Pacifico was so high across the border. Anywho, we all put our crap into the creeper van and then it was on-on! as we all took off after Python and Funkyballsoftitsfromouterspace who we’re sure had pre-laid the trail and were in the back of La Tapatia doing shots.

Running down dirt roads the locals shot us inquisitive looks wondering why a group of people were running if not being chased by border patrol. We quickly made it to the first beer stop where a body of water separated the hashers from our libations. Burning Rubbers pulled down her (not her pants) her lucha libre mask and bravely crossed the pool of water that may or may not have been sewage to bring back our beverages. Our heroine! We aggressively ripped open the bag, eager to quench our thirst from the Mexican heat with delicious tequila only to be disappointed. No tequila!! Damn you hares!

We took off again after downing a few Coronas. We thought we were seeing double or triple as we encountered check after check after check! WTF?! And to make matters worse one of the pretentious virgins (Just Bobby) thought he could order us veteran hashers around by telling us to go check! Do it yourself you lazy ass bastard! We somehow survived the killer geese who nipped at our heels through the park and barely escaped the ferocious K9 dog who was growling at us through the van to make it to our second beer stop, buried deep in the woods. We thought Dildo Baggins had to be lurking somewhere in the shadows given this seemed like his humble abode, but he was too busy fornicating elsewhere with Fuck Me Proper. We couldn’t wait to get our hands on our promised tequila at this beer stop!! We tore through the bag looking for it only to be disappointed once again!! No effing tequila! Aye Carumba!

As we gringos and gringas downed some more Corona and PBR (only the finest of Mexican cerveza) we took off again desperate for our promised tequila. At some point a mysterious boob check appeared in the middle of the road with Sprinkle Princess creepily standing on the side of the road… coincidence? We think not. We finally arrived at our destination, which at first appeared to be a very romantic ending to our hash with the ocean and sunset in the background, except for the fact that freaking Justin Bieber’s face was staring at us on a multi-colored pinata.

Greasy Lei was the first batter up with the piñata and she was pissed given that she had been deprived of tequila the entire hash! But no luck breaking Beiber’s face. Next up was Lord Mangina who was distraught over his experience with a squirter the week before and was too traumatized to put a dent in the pinata. Good thing X-Rated Butt Pirate was there who obviously was either sexually frustrated or extremely thirsty (probably both) and smashed the shit out of that Beiber pinata! Finally our tequila poured out of the pinata! ¡Que Bueno! Us hashers eagerly gathered up the mini bottles of tequila and whisky, mostly to drown out the vision of Justin Beiber’s face. Craziness ensued pretty much at this point. Cock Block and Roll was drinking for two as Burning Rubbers was having a sobriety hash. Dirty Girl lived up to her name and fell into mud pile on the way to the bathroom. We saw one virgin’s ass who we didn’t want to see and unfortunately not one virgin flashed their tits despite Dirty Girl yelling repeatedly. Matzo tried to give Lady Red Rocket all the credit for the beer stop at the marathon, which we put a stop to. And the rest is pretty much a blur as we all continued drinking in the dark waiting to be taken back to the A point. All in all it was a very successful hash!

I came to get off….. and boy, oh boy, did I. Talk about being WET!

I should just end the re-cap there, but I suppose I can delve a little more. We met at Meadow Park at 6pm, and unlike the usual large crowd, there were only a handful of us that had the courage to show for Came For A Man, Left With A Clam and I Can Get You Off’s hash. With the impending storm we took off on our trail, everyone jogging at a nice, mellow pace, sticking together as a tight-knit group…. almost surreal, like we knew we were in for something *special* that night.

We headed straight up a hill which we should have known was a YBF. But do YBF’s really count when accompanied with Peppermint Schnapps? I don’t think so. Otter was in alcoholic-heaven. After that we seemingly lost the trail, running in every direction trying to find a damn flour dot. After about the 4th time of running past the Gas Light Lounge, we made an executive decision to just go in for drinks. We were told to bring our ID’s afterall, perhaps this was our beer stop that just somehow was missing the BN mark? After each of us took a shot and pounded a beer, we ventured outside to where one of our faithful hashers had found the true trail (shout out to Otter again for that one).

It was at this point it started raining.

And raining. Followed by a downpour, then a little lightning, then a little thunder. I held on tight to Cock, Block & Roll as I pretended to be scared, but really was just coppin’ a feel. Then came the hail. HOLY HELL it was a lot of hail!

It was at this point that we were running through Mitchell Park, strangers asking if we needed to seek shelter in their homes, but oh no, we still followed the g*d damn trail! We are hashers, we’re not effing quitters!!!! Lightning, thunder, hail, repeat, repeat, repeat. I had worn white as directed in the email ahead of time…. it was gonna be a wet t-shirt contest, right… did I win? Did I? We were at some cross streets when Lady Red Rocket finally realized that all flour dots and chalk marks must have been successfully washed away and that it was time to call it quits. We were officially defeated. But wait!! Not to fear, there’s beer back at the A where our hares and the turkey’s will proudly welcome us back from such a courageous voyage.

Not in the least!!!!!! We sprinted as fast as we could for a mile or so back to our A, soaking wet, freezing cold, and ridiculously thirsty. But where were our comrades? Where were our hares? No one was to be found. Had they been washed away in this perfect storm? Were there any survivors? And most importantly, who took our damn Peppermint Schnapps?!!

After about half an hour of huddling under OHD’s hood, our turkey’s and hares arrived. IN A CAR. COMPLETELY DRY. FROM FROG & PEACH. Those f***ing bastards!!!!!!!

It was at that point that we deemed it the most epic hash “ever” and gave ourselves honorable mentions for bravery. The next time you see the following people, feel free to give them a pat on the back, smack on the ass, or just a simple “hey! Way to be a hardcore hasher!”:
Otter See My Clam, OHD, More Men Less Beer, Cock Block & Roll, Lady Red Rocket, Buttload of Homo, Just Danielle, and myself, Greasy Lei. There was also another guy but I honestly don’t know his name… my bad.

We are heroes for what we went through……….. or just completely retarded for even showing up.

On- Is It Summer Yet???- On

The highlight of the evening must have been during our circle-time when a friendly neighbor emerged from his house, inching closer and closer to where he was finally standing directly behind Matzo. I prepared myself for a slaughtering, but instead this guy tells us that he’s a trucker and he’s gotta be up early in the morning. You know, truckin’ stuff. Dude, it’s 7:30pm and we’re just out here singing Kumbaya. Relax. He then stood next to his fence glaring at waiting for us to leave, we probably should’ve offered him a beer like the homeless guy the week before.

We had the naming of Just Casper but I, personally, believe his mortal name is fitting for a young, fresh faced and pasty guy. But we went with SPF69. The S, P and F all stand for something, but clearly I was too drunk to remember so go ahead and let your imaginations run wild.

On-On to the next one Wanks!

By throwing out the idea that “muscle confusion” actually doesn’t work and instead going more for a mental confusion thing.
We will be meeting at the base of Cerro San Luis (That’s Madonna Mountain to you undereducated people) and for this Hash there will be no beer, and no flour. There will be no Hare and no Hounds and the pack will stay together. The trail will be A to A to the top of Cerro San Luis and back down.

Well….that’s just a hike you say? (you did say that right?)
NO! What do you think your poor body is going to do when you start up the hill w/absolutely no alcohol in it? It’s genius!! Tripping up our senses as well as being keenly aware of your balance and surroundings is something I know many of you don’t get to expeience on a Thursday night! Hashing Sober? Now that is some confusing sh*t!!

Be there around 5:15 if you would like to participate in this exciting Hash!! Of course beers to follow (I don’t want to get crazy) downtown somewhere if we want.

On-On to the innagural 2012 Crossfit Hash!!
Matzo Balls

Once back at the A we discovered that our hare Buttload had been snared by our very own Grand Mattress, I Can Get You Off. He ended up giving her his shoe (well, he gave her a few other things too, if ya catch my drift, but I don’t want to gossip here. This is strictly business), and he and his lovely co-hare were destined to a lil’ chugging contest from their beautiful, clean, fresh shoes. Yummy.

We had two namings, Just Laura and Just Ellen. After much debate, Just Laura is now known as F*ckin’ Strange, which is going to be great when she introduces herself. “Hi I’m F*ckin’ Strange” as newcomers wonder wtf is wrong with her and I just sit back and snicker at Stranger. Tee Hee Hee. Just Ellen is now funkyballoftitsfromouterspace. Yes, you read that correctly, funkyballoftitsfromouterspace. I think we’ll just shorten it to Funky Tits. Or just Tits. Yes, Tits works for me. I would have had pictures of their naming ceremony, but someone *code name Dildo* seemed to have gotten flour all over my camera. But I’m sure their devoted boyfriends have plenty of photos as this will definitely be a highlight in their “First Year of Love” scrapbook.

On-On Wankers.

Wankers!

For those who missed the 2012 Red Dress Run definitely missed out…. I mean, who doesn’t love to witness a sea of red dresses parading the downtown of San Luis….. with wieners bouncing to and fro. We were a sight, to say the least.

The A started at Spikes at 2pm where we made sure to lube up for what was sure to be a short, flat and not an 80 degree run. Once our knickers were wet we set out, chasing our hares Burnin’ Rubbers and Mr. Chihuahua’s Wild Ride through the streets and over the tracks (where the conductor screamed at us over and over… we get it lady) to eventually get to our B. With two missed beer stops on the Eagle Trail (thanks Chi for forgetting to write “B.N.” while we ran through the Creeky Tiki…… you should know Hashers are too drunk to realize they are in a bar and can actually get a beer there. Also thanks to the bum who stole our last beer stop, but to be fair, his camp was set up there, so let’s just pretend this was our “charity” to the community). Apparently the Turkey Trail got lost and missed a beer stop but wah wah wah… they got to stop at both McCarthy’s and the Gas Light Lounge, I don’t wanna hear it!

With a YBF leading us to Burnin’s house (yes, we were that dumb to follow the flour dots all the way up the hill), I thought Smurf Jerker was finally gonna pass out after wearing the Hashit the entire time (keep in mind how hot it was that afternoon). I think his only saving grace was that he discovered a rubber vagina attached to it. That got him excited, if ya know what I mean. Those dresses really don’t hide much.

We finally made it to our B, Chi’s house, where a flowing keg and spankin’ new deck awaited us. This is when the s*** show really began. There were a few virgins that survived the voyage, one even did all his down-down’s with red wine, quite impressive. Another virgin was so epically unforgettable (but oops I’ve forgotten her name), that Matzo decided she would get named on her virgin hash. This girl gave us so much good footage, we didn’t know where to begin. Bets were placed, drinks were poured, but alas, “certain” people cut her off and cleaned her up. I, for one, consider this chivalry and these people shall surely be punished at the next hash. We did, however, name Just David. He is now Granny Cracker and he and Chi’s new deck got a load (hee hee) of flour on it.

Food, drinks, and a never-ending partner game (congrats 10 Toes Up/Down on finally “winning”) led us into the night…… if you weren’t there, well, tough s***, you missed out.

On On to our next hash…. where hopefully the boys’ private parts will be a bit less revealing.

Otter Be a Dirty Girl Hash - Right through Farmer's Market!

Hash 214 - Otter Be a Dirty Girl Hash - Virgins... pffft!

Hash 214 - Otter Be a Dirty Girl Hash - Circle

Hash 214 - Otter Be a Dirty Girl Hash - The Hashit!

What’s better than getting wet & dirty?
Getting wet & dirty during Mardi Gras!!
Yes, folks! It’s Mardi Gras time so wear your masks, your purple, your green, your gold! Or…don’t. I don’t give a F#*K!
Got beads? Well, we do and you know what you need to do to earn them! Yep…just show up to this Thursday’s hash and you may sea some….Dirty Girls!!
Where: the parking lot at the end of HIGH ST at the train tracks (look for the lonely railroad car) Click here for Map
When: Thursday, Feb 16, 2012, 6:00pm (hares away precisely at 6:15….you don’t want to be late for this one!)
What to bring: $5, a snorkel, virgins, Tecnu, a light source or seeing eye dog, Mardi Gras mask, new shoes, a supplementary air supply, boobs, prophylactics, lubricant, the morning after pill…just in case.
Laissez les bons temps rouler!!
Yankee translation: Let the good times roll!

Wake up Wanks! Thursday is a Hash day…so Cum one, and Cum ALL to the 5 ways to be laid by a Red Rocket Hash!  Be ready for an easy little virgin trail with the ever virginal lead Hare Lady Red Rocket and the innocent virgin co-hare Not Gay if it’s a 5-way. 

Hash Details: The hash will be an A-A with an Eagle and Turkey trails. Where you ask? At the head….HEAD?  Who said head?  ….oh never mind, you know it from there….Show up at the Start of the Bob Jones Trail. For clarity as I know we all need it click this link —> Hash_A

When: show up by 6 ish Hares away sometime after that lets assume 6:15 hounds away 15-20 minutes after that but not before 6:30. (takes a while to get a 5 way going J ) You are advised to bring: headlamps, $5, snorkel and or dive equipment, sherpas, extra virgins for 5-way, towels for tears and or spluge, lube, whistle, bottle opener, a peg leg, parrot, and an eye patch if you want to go over the top. Things not to bring: dignity, self respect, a sense of direction. 

On-On
Brought to you by:
Lady Red Rocket and Not Gay if it’s a 5 Way