Hash #197 – Disorderly Conduct Hash

Wankers and Wankettes,

If you missed last night’s trail, here is a recap prompted mostly by my last hit of Ritalin:

The summer night was warm. OHD was found waiting at the trail head *sing it loud so the whole world can hear..* drunk as shit by the time I arrived. Well I can only assume she was drunk. She was reading a book that said a guy has to make a girl cum like 15 times before he can expect any poon in return! WTF! I can’t make this shit up. Im just not that creative. Serious. Ask her about it.

Any hoo. By 6:00 we had a very respectable 25 hashers standing around like drunk Jr. High kids at a dance. 2 virgins and 3 visitors. I was proud of Python as he managed to restrain himself from physically grope the Orange County hotty. That 12 step program is really worken’ for the Python. He really is my hero. The other two visitors were a very cute young couple from Bakersfield. They had matching outfits and giggled at each other’s jokes. Gawd I just LOVE those bake-o people…..

6:15 – Hare Away! Meanwhile the rest of us are getting our drink on and busy gathering dirt on Just Jayson who choose his 6th hash to wear a shirt that says “Protect your nuts”. Ummm……yeah. I think we all got that memo there Capt. Obvious.

6:30 – Hounds Away! We all take off after the hair. I look back at the dirt parking lot and see More Men and Less Beer tear in to the parking lot as she skids a perfect 180 into the last available parking spot. She is r$nning trail before her car door is closed Matrix style. That shit was bitchen eye candy. But seriously. Getting that drunk and showing up late…… Perfectly acceptable hash behavior. Well done LBMM.

6:45 – The last of the DFLs sprint into the circle. Yes. The trail was a bit short. Short on length and girth. Gawd. You can work without girth and you can work without length. But if you don’t have either…..say a little prayer. OHD set a complete trail: 3 beer stops, 1 check, 1 YBF. Incredibly she got all this done in 1.6 miles of cow pie encrusted pasture! The three beer stops were really just teases. Each beer stop consisted of a small, white 7/11 bag with 3 ice cubes, 4 waters, and 3 beers. Remember the 25 hashers? yeah. My sixth grade math students will be giving her some tutoring lessons this fall. 00Homo had a few of us ready for “lap two”. It was that much fun! But we has serious bussiness. A naming………

Just Jayson. Its his 6th hash. So, we name the little bastard. We got tons of dirt on him but the one story that sticks is the fact the a month ago, on a trail that Stubby Python set through a cow shit filled bog, Just Jayson r@ns full sprint into the crap swamp. I saw this epic fail. His right foot/leg sinks 2.5 feet down into who knows what and comes back out with only a sock on. The dude just keeps r#unning. Leaves the shoe. R&ns the rest of the trail in socks. And a hasher is born! Please welcome “Lost Shoe in Python Goo”. Shorten that name up at will. I like “Pythong Goo”……I mean…..the name…not….well….I never really tasted Pythong Goo…Im just saying the name shortened……aw fuk. Never mind!

At circle we perform the mandatary ‘tit check’ but only found ticks. Found two on Just Jayson and none on anyone else. Weird……

Python continues to keep his hands down HIS shorts, which is an improvement over the alternative. OHD stumbles in and out of circle for multiple trail fails. Damn, she was drunk! We sang nasty songs as little kids came off the trail, listened to a virgin tell a joke so long a dog fell asleep at his feet. Again, I don’t make this shit up. I wish I could. Fking hilarious! We welcomed backliders, thanked visitors, drank for our crimes and generally gave the sheriff every reason to bust our shit up. But he didn’t. We know we were doing something right because about 90% of all the cars that drove into the parking lot turned around drove right back out….quickly. That 90% includes 100% of all cars containing women. It makes me so proud of SLOH3.

About half of us went to Alex’s for drinks and after that got into fights with some pansy ass fkn squids at the bar….I think. Or maybe that wasn’t a fight? It could have just been Second Hand Sodomiser desperately searching Dildo Baggins shorts for a roll of quarters.

ON-ON til next time.

-Spinkle Princess